3 weeks since surgery

Ok.  Here we are week 3 since the ACL reconstruction and 7 weeks since the start of this journey (when I fell).  Like most people that have a traumatic event in their lives, my life seems to be divided now between "before the fall" and after.  Not that I'm looking for a biblical interpretation of my situation, but I can't help be reminded of the Adam/Eve's fall from grace.  hmmmmmm.    Interesting. 

Physically: Physical Therapy is going well.  I'm devout about doing my exercises at home between appointments.  I'm still having a bit of a struggle figuring out where my "edge" is - the place where it's enough....not TOO MUCH; not too little.  Wednesday of this week I was doing my practice (aka PT exercises + some seated yoga poses) outside.  I was feeling pretty strong and happy about that so I decided to try a few standing poses.  Stephen, my PT guy,  had given me the go ahead to do balancing on my right leg to get my proprioception back online and I was able to do vrksasana (tree pose) without being too wobbly.  Give me an inch & I'll take a mile!  After doing  most of the Ashtanga Primary series seated poses I decided to try the standing.   I did uttanasana (standing forward bend) and Padangusthasana (big toe pose).  Felt great :)   Utkatasana (chair pose) felt good too.  Adho Mukha Svavasana (downward facing dog) was a great way to get my knee into extension and that felt good too. 

Since I was on a roll I tried Parsarita Padottanasana (wide leg forward fold).  Initially that felt good - I could tell I was stretching some previously untapped areas of my hamstring.  Coming up from the pose I felt and heard a loud pop and an excruciating pain behind my knee, running up the length of my hamstring up to my butt.  I panicked.  I was so afraid I had hurt the graft and it had come undone.  Mary wasn't home (she's gone on a well deserved vacation) I had no car (probably couldn't have driven anyway).  I called the doctor only to find the office was already closed.  A neighbor took me to the orthopedic clinic's after hours office.  I was told everything was ok and what I experienced was "release" of scar tissue.....ughhhhh (expect more, they said).  Next day, Thursday, I saw Stephen, who got me over to see my surgeon.  Both Stephen and my surgeon scolded me for "doing yoga."    I get it - but I'm not doing crazy knee twisting things like Janu C or something.  I'll continue to "do what I can" with my yoga practice.  (a picture of me doing parsarita at right....before the fall)

Emotionally: I struggle struggle and struggle some more.  I have wild swings from being optimistic, trusting all will work out and curious to depressed, crushed and despondent.  Meditating with a monkey mind that's terribly jacked up is near impossible and I don't have my yoga practice to burn off my nervous energy and anxiety.  This is not a good combo - I the lack of practice and difficulty meditating is certainly giving me a lot to "work" with.

I'd had a melt down day on Tuesday and got in touch with my therapist (as in psychotherapist) for an appointment.  The Wednesday workout injury scare didn't help anything and by Thursday when I settled into my appointment I simply came unglued.  Cried and sobbed as I related my story.  Everything, it seemed, was a total fail in my life.  I sobbed about how I have no direction, don't know what to do or where to do it; where to live etc, etc, etc.  Thank god for Beth, my therapist.  I'm dealing with anger and feel overwhelmed with all the unknowns (check and check).  I was really happy I went to see her and will be going back next week.  I'm a little more centered - - - well, let's just say I'm not swinging from one extreme to the other 8 times a day, only 3.   Progress is progress, no? 

I'm taking one day at a time and not feeling so overwhelmed with all the what if's in my life.  At least that's how it's playing out as I write this. 

I love watching TedTalks and found a few really great ones.  Tim Ferriss's talk on defining your fears instead of your goals was very eye opening.  Highly recommend this one for anyone who is struggling with making decisions. 
https://www.ted.com/talks/tim_ferriss_why_you_should_define_your_fears_instead_of_your_goals

Silvia Boorstein's book It's Easier Than You Think is always a good read when I'm in a  funk so I've picked that one up again.

Oh - and I turned 58 years old on Friday.  I started the day with a smudge ceremony using a smudge stick made by the Native American Shaman, Walking Eagle, who led the sweat lodge ceremony I went to on my yoga retreat.  Out with the old energy....In with new positive energy for the coming year. 

I'm working hard to be "ok" with all of this stuff going on (or not, as the case may be) in my life.  Being "ok" with everything is freakin' hard.  Taking one day at a time seems like I'm not "doing" anything to move forward.  Beth tells me to follow the clues; be curious, see where the clues take me.  I need to be open and curious.  That is easier to do when you know when/where your next paycheck is coming from and where you're gonna be living, but ok, I'll try curious and open and see what happens. 

As Sylvia says, It's easier than you think.