In January, 2017, I made the commitment to go to a week long Ashtanga Yoga retreat lead by Tim Miller, a world renowned Ashtanga guru. This was the first time in my adult life I'd decided to go on a trip - alone - and do something I am passionate about. The retreat was scheduled August 12-19 in McCloud, California, a small town in the mountains of Northern California. Mt Shasta, the "root chakra of the world," is the main attraction for hikers and for our retreat. The daily schedule included morning practice, an afternoon hike, and evening practice. To say I was excited about this trip would be a gross understatement. I had wanted to go to Mt Shasta for years and this was going to be my year!
On Saturday, August 12, I flew into Sacramento, California, and met up with my friend and yoga instructor, Lauren. We put the name of the inn the retreat was based out of in my phone's GPS and started driving the 3 hours. We were both overjoyed to be on our way to Mt Shasta. Although both of us had an unspoken intuitive feeling we were not going the right way we followed the GPS ending up in a national forest 3 hours south of where we were supposed to be. I was horrified. I was navigating. Because of me we missed orientation and still had 3 hours of driving through the mountains. And it was getting dark. I drove the rest of the way. Lauren was gracious and not (visibly) angry. I drove like the wind trying to get us to McCloud. Along the way I thought to myself, "this is the glitch for this trip." The movie Apollo 13 came to mind the minute the thought popped into my head. That's what Jim Lovell had said (in the movie at least) early in the mission when an instrument light malfunctioned. We know that was not THE glitch. Neither was my poor navigation.
We finally arrived and managed to unpack, eat dinner and fall into bed. My day had started out at 3AM central time and it was 10PM Pacific time (midnight central time) when we finally got into our room. I was exhausted but happy we had finally made it to McCloud. We were finally at Mt Shasta.
The next day was our first practice.
Lauren and I were both stiff and the led practice was difficult, but felt good. After breakfast we all went to an Indian Sweatlodge Ceremony at Stewart Mineral Springs. I'd never been to a sweatlodge. It was an interesting experience! Sitting in the totally dark tepee with 40 or so people with the hot rocks and burning sage was intense. Fear was gripping me but I breathed through it and tried to focus on the peach I had in the car. Yes, my peach got me through the worst of the sweatlodge experience. After a dip in the cold river we all headed back to McCloud. After lunch we were headed on the first hike of the trip, a 2 mile in/out trek along a river.
It was a lovely hike. The trail was steep in places but I felt strong and God, I was so happy!!! I was seriously the happiest I had been in years. I was enjoying the views, the air - - - everything. It was going to be a fantastic week, worth the aggravation of my poor navigation the day before. A week of Ashtanga, hiking and rest! I was in heaven.
Then I fell.
At the end of the trail - 2 miles from cell phone reception - I slipped on loose rocks and fell. I saw my knee bend sideways and before my butt hit the ground I knew I'd broken my leg. Lauren helped me get into a seated position (I was basically hanging onto a rock to keep from falling down to the river). I bent my leg. No pain. Foot was good. I was shaken up because the moment before I fell I had thought of my nephew, Angus, who had fallen to his death hiking 2 years ago. It was his birthday and I fell hiking, and almost fell to my death. Yes. I was a bit messed up emotionally. But, I could bend my leg. So I decided I would shake it off and start back to the trail head. Lauren helped me up and the minute I put weight on my right leg my knee buckled and I fell. Now I was really shaken up. Some guys tried to help me but the trail was too steep and narrow, and I couldn't put any weight on my leg without my knee giving way. I was seriously shaken up now.
Someone ran ahead to call for help. Lauren and Tom stayed with me. Tom, my Ashtanga teacher in Columbus, Ohio, was there at the retreat too. Everyone who had been ahead of me now had to step over me to walk back. I fell at 2:30. The rescue squad arrived around 4:30. I got to the ambulance around 6:30 and the Emergency Room around 7. X-rays confirmed I didn't have a broken bone, but my knee was messed up and I wouldn't know how bad till I had an MRI.
My trip was ruined. I was now Apollo 13. No moon walk for me. I was going to get to Mt Shasta, but I wasn't going to walk on her. I was going to be looking at the retreat from the window of my spaceship, not able to really participate.
Bring on the pain meds.
I stayed the entire week and managed to go on 2 "hikes" (I was left at the trailhead). On Tuesday I got to spend the time at a lake near the trailhead; the other, the last day, was in the parking lot at Mt Shasta.
For 5 hours I was alone. I stared at the mountain. I hobbled around on my crutches.
I listened to the silence and stared at the mountain some more.
I cried.
I meditated.
I stared at the mountain some more.
I was grateful I had not sustained more serious injuries - - or died. I truly was very very grateful "all" I had was a knee issue. However, I was pissed at the universe and mad at my knee because I fell. I was so hurt because I wanted to practice Ashtanga with these people and I couldn't. I felt marginalized. I was literally on the outside of the circle all week and I felt beaten down.
When everyone came back from the hike, Tim offered me a Tarot card (everyone else had picked one when they stopped on the hike).
Mine was the Hooded Man. Introspection. Hermit. Lord knows I felt - and feel - like a hermit right now.
The next day, Saturday, August 19, it was time to go home. The trip was uneventful and I managed to get back to NOLA. My roommate, Mary, picked me up. On Monday, August 21, I went to the orthopedist. He immediately diagnosed an ACL tear. What????? I thought it was an MCL sprain, nothing more. An MRI confirmed the doctor's proclamation. ACL and Medial meniscus tear wth MCL sprain (or tear - I can't remember). If I want to continue having an "active" life (i.e.: one with yoga, hiking, and ahhh, work) Surgery is required. I was told I would need 3-4 weeks of rehab BEFORE surgery, 8-12 weeks of rehab AFTER surgery. I was scheduled for a followup in 2 weeks.
WTF? I am a nurse. A NICU floor nurse. I can't work now. I suddenly felt adrift - like Apollo 13 heading toward the moon only to look at it from the window. Circle the moon and head home. We know that circling the moon was the easy part. Getting all the way back to earth - that's when the real work started. Surgery is scheduled for September 8. Till then I'm heading to the dark side of the moon. I am looking at 8-12 weeks of rehab before I can go back to work. Probably more like a year before my knee is 100%. Post surgery rehab will be when the real work starts.
I'm living with my friend Mary. Bless her for her generosity and hospitality. I can't drive. Bless my friend Carla, who drives me everywhere. I can only walk with a brace on. I can barely practice yoga. Do my PT exercises. Depression comes over me like a tsunami and I have to tell myself "it'll pass...hang on...It'll pass" or "be grateful you are not in worse shape." But truth be told my knee has taken away my life - at least the life I knew. The life where I worked 3 days a week, had a paycheck, and practiced Ashtanga at least 4 days a week. Now I am sidelined in a way that is not comfortable for me at all. Now I'm literally sitting with the unknown. Now I'm wholeheartedly trying to befriend and be comfortable with uncertainty; embrace my physical and emotional imperfections, and find the silver lining in whatever this is the Universe has handed me (even though - - and for the record - - I do not like it).
I am using this opportunity for growth (what bullshit right? I think it's bullshit too at least 1 or 2 days a week) to blog about my recovery from this fall. I'll be writing about the challenges and the frustrations.....and with any luck I'll write about the "gifts" that come my way as I rehab my life. My yoga life.
I'll be at Mt Shasta next year. I won't get lost on the way and I'll be overjoyed to practice. Failure, after all, is not an option.
Ok. Here we are week 3 since the ACL reconstruction and 7 weeks since the start of this journey (when I fell). Like most people that have a traumatic event in their lives, my life seems to be divided now between "before the fall" and after. Not that I'm looking for a biblical interpretation of my situation, but I can't help be reminded of the Adam/Eve's fall from grace. hmmmmmm. Interesting. 
Silvia Boorstein's book It's Easier Than You Think is always a good read when I'm in a funk so I've picked that one up again.
